As many of you know, I have been reading many books that offer 'proof of Heaven'. These books have helped me to develop my vision of this new life my Dad may have; one where he is so full of happiness and love.
In these books, Heaven is described quite consistently as a place that is truly incredible and awe-inspiring. A place where our words simply cannot describe the feeling or the beauty. Colors on Earth pale in comparison. Music in Heaven is more stunning than anything ever heard before. When you enter this place, you are overcome with the feeling of Love, and the reception you receive from all of your deceased loved ones when you are reunited. Recently, I've been struggling with this notion: If Heaven is so incredible, do you no longer yearn for the Earthly life you leave behind?
In a couple of the books I've read, wherein the author has traveled to Heaven and then been revived and come back to Earth, the answer is Yes. They say that while they were in Heaven, they were not thinking about their friends and family that they had left behind. They did not long to return to their Earthly body. They were so fulfilled with the feeling of peace and love that they experienced in Heaven, that nothing else mattered. There was nothing else to worry about.
I suppose a place as perfect as Heaven should inspire these feelings. It should be a place where the soul no longer has doubts or fears or worries, but is rather completely content and filled with love.
But with that being said, I wonder what would ever possess our loved ones to think about us, their friends and family left grieving in their absence here in Earth? Would they ever feel sadness at the fact that they are no longer with us? Would they ever be inclined to reach out to us to make contact or send messages, as I've so often prayed for? Would they ever turn their attention away from the magnificence of Heaven, and look down upon us here on Earth, to experience our milestones or offer their guidance? Maybe the answers are Yes, but they could also be No... After all, if your soul is completely satiated by this place, why would you think about anything else? Is there a place for us, the memories and relationships with loved ones on Earth, up in Heaven?
I began to think that maybe this is why, since his passing, I haven't felt as connected with my Dad as I've hoped for. I try my hardest to be open and aware of my surroundings, so I may recognize even the slightest sign or communication attempt from him. I talk to him often, but I do not hear him talk back. The other morning I sobbed, feeling so alone. "I feel like you've forgotten about me" I said to him. "I feel like maybe you haven't looked back, but have only been looking forward." I even felt selfish for feeling this way; for praying that my Dad was wishing he were with me again, instead of enjoying the perfection of Heaven. It's such a mix of emotions.
I think I may feel this way because I have not yet had that big moment, that experience too meaningful to be coincidence; some sign from my Dad that tells me that he loves me and misses me and is with me. I know I may never get such an experience. But I hope that I may one day, and it will finally give me the 'closure' that I feel I am so desperately searching for.
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