I don't know what to call myself, because saying I'm 'spiritual' makes it sound like I sit around burning incense and strumming a cowhide drum, but saying I'm 'religious' makes it sound like I attend church every Sunday and attempt to prophesize to the unsaved. I'm neither of these. I believe in God and all that He has created and how He gently steers the direction of my life while somehow balancing my free will. I've attended church, but do not believe that organized religion is the only way to know God. I believe in Heaven - a place that is more beautiful and wonderful than we can ever imagine, where we go to forever enjoy the company of our loved ones, and where there is no more pain or anger or anything except love.
When my Father passed away, I did not want to turn to God for comfort or guidance. I withdrew from the very idea of God. The notion that God made this part of His plan was unacceptable to me. I could not, in my limited understanding, fathom why God, in all of his wisdom and grace, would give my Dad cancer. And not just any cancer, but Pancreatic cancer, a cancer that literally eats away at a person in the most rapid rate. Why was it part of the plan that my Dad battle this disease, only to ultimately lose? Why was he meant to suffer? And why was he meant to die?
I wondered why God doesn't heal all cancer? He certainly has the power to do so. Why can't He just give the cancer to all the terrible criminals and murders who are filled with evil, instead of inflicting it on a man who served his country, taught the youth of generations, and was the light in so many lives? It just didn't seem fair. I didn't understand. But what's more is, I knew I could never understand.
There is nothing someone can say that will lesson the pain of losing a loved one. And there is no explanation that will make you think "OK, well now that you said that, it all makes perfect sense, and I accept this now". The only thing we can do is attempt to look at the positive ways of reframing the experience, and hope that it's enough to restore just enough faith to carry on.
At first, when my Dad passed away, I asked a few friends who lost a parent to cancer how they coped with the situation. They told me they reminded themselves that the suffering was finally over. So I repeated this mantra to myself in an attempt to feel better. He was no longer in pain; no longer waiting for the inevitable. He was finally at peace.
And I reminded myself that I believed in Heaven, a place where my Dad was not only no longer suffering, but alive and well and thriving. A place where he was himself again. Where he was happy. Where we was with other loved ones he had once mourned, like his parents, his brother, and his best friend. A place where he could still look upon my life and experience milestones with me. And I believe that he can communicate with me in subtle ways, like in the few stories I've shared so far, and some I still have yet to share.
And then I read a few of those books (in my recommended reading) and I adopted a new philosophy. Imagine if you will, a new perspective, where God isn't just this great and powerful being sitting behind a super computer and calling all the shots. Instead, God has fellowship with all of the souls in Heaven. The souls in Heaven have many missions, and they may be sent to Earth in bodily form to live out a lifetime for many purposes, such as to learn things, to teach things, and to experience things. Sometimes it may be part of God's plan to have a soul come to Earth with a mission to influence and impact many people, the ways of which aren't exactly revealed. I believe God offers these missions to the souls in Heaven. And believing this, it made me think that perhaps my Dad's spirit was courageous enough to accept this mission, even though all of the details were not available, simply knowing that he would have a wonderful life and ultimately impact the lives of many people. Perhaps, deep down in his subconscious, he knew his time was short, and perhaps that's why he really did live life to the fullest during his brief 60 years on Earth. Looking back at all of the life experiences he had, one can really see how full and enriched his life was, albeit too short in our opinion.
Believing this also makes me believe that he fulfilled his mission, and did ultimately impact so many lives in everything he did, from his infectious personality, to his molding of young minds, to his final days, which made us all cherish life in a whole new way. It does not make me understand or accept this devastating loss, but believing these things has helped me to have just enough faith to carry on. To still believe in and love God, and find a place for him in making some sense of all this. It's not a perfect answer, but it's something. They say, you must have a test to have a testimony, and this is mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment