Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing.
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel by the one-year mark. I used to wonder if things would be easier by then, or if it would be an extremely difficult day.
While I cry less now that I once did, I'm not confident that it's entirely the healing process. It used to be that I would think about my Dad in some way and I would be reduced to a puddle of tears. It was necessary, cathartic, and also exhausting. Now I simply choose when to allow myself to have those thoughts and get emotional. Sometimes I break down and cry, and sometimes I just put it out of my mind. I know this is a defense mechanism, and likely a form of denial, but it really does help me to live a relatively normal day-to-day life.
Sometimes I just pretend that he's on vacation, or it's just been forever since we spoke on the phone. Somehow it's easier to pretend that it's just a short break we're experiencing. Is it too much to ask for a phone line in Heaven? I could seriously make my peace with the idea of never seeing him again, if I could just hear his voice and speak to him. Or maybe even never speak to him again, if I could just get a letter from him once and a while. Or maybe, if we could meet in my dreams each night, and have a relationship there.
Everyone who has lost someone can attest to the longing for "just one more day". Oh what we all wouldn't give for that one more day; to say and do all the things that we missed and forgot and regretted not sharing. I can tell you I would give up all of my material possessions for that, without another thought. Because when it comes down to it, there is nothing more important than what we do with our limited time on this Earth. You cannot take anything else with you when you go.
Speaking of going back for "just one more day", if you do nothing else this year, you should see the movie "About Time". The message is truly profound, essentially about how we chose to experience our day-to-day lives, and what we would do if we could go back and experience it all again. The movie stuck with me for hours, even days, after I watched it. It was so beautifully, heart-wrenchingly real, despite the aspect of time-travel (in a way I only wish was possible). You will not regret it. Stop what you're doing, see this movie, absorb its message, and put it into practice in your own life.
