Recently my sister and I had the task of going through my Dad's condo and combing through his personal possessions, deciding which items we wanted to keep, and which items we wanted to donate or throw away. The only part of this process that made it a little bit easier was the fact that my Dad hadn't lived in the condo for a few years (he lived with his girlfriend during his illness) and his condo was more of a "vacation" home to him.
I have to admit that I only vaguely remember having visited his condo, even though he lived there for about 4-5 years before moving in with his girlfriend. When I walked in the condo, I looked around at all of these personal items that he acquired and treasured, and I felt overwhelmingly guilty for not having spent more time here. I felt immediate regret also for the fact that during that time, I really didn't see much of him at all. The few times we spend together over those years, he drove to visit me.
I'm sure everyone has these feelings of regret and remorse after a loved one passes. Thinking "what if...", and "I should have..." This has certainly been true for me. It sounds so simple, but if I had known how short our time together would be, I would have jumped in the car and made the short trip to spend a weekend together - whatever I was doing those weekends instead, I don't even remember.
While sorting through his items, I attempted to categorize them into those I would keep, my sister would keep, to be donated, or to be thrown away. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, that I found myself wanted to keep everything. Everything seemed like a piece of my Dad. My husband convinced me that we did not need the two old tube televisions, and they went in the donate pile. I remember finding his childhood pictures, his medals and awards from the Navy, and his Lacrosse items. Initially I thought my Uncle (Dad's older brother) would like these items (as a fellow Navy and Lacrosse colleague). But then I thought that he would only have these items for a few years, and then who would inherit them and determine their fate? I decided to keep these, and SO MANY things, in an attempt to find a way to honor my dad with them.
I made my husband try on so many jackets, as if somehow one might grow longer arms and actually fit him. But standing a good 4" taller than my Dad, nothing did fit him right. Bag after bag I loaded clothes to be donated. I couldn't bare to part with his military jackets, or a few pieces of his Oriole and Gator garb. I also held onto all of his white handkerchiefs - something I will always associate with him. At moments I felt like I was just going through the motions; trying to get complete this mission.
I knew I couldn't hold onto everything, so we decided to take any remaining items and have an 'estate sale' with a portion of the sales being donated to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. During the sale, I resented haggling with people over prices and defending the value of some items, but also found myself wanting to send these items home with people who enjoyed them the way my Dad did. The leftover items we decided to donate to a thrift shop that benefited Hospice.
Today I was walking through the thrift store, searching for a great find, and I noticed my Dad's fishing net propped in a corner. I felt such a mix of emotions. It reminded me of him, and made me question if I should have given it up, but also wish that someone liked it and wanted to take it home. I left before discovering any more of his items on display.
